Funnies for the New Year

Collected by Lucy and Sarah, respectively.

"The problem with being one of the younger cousins is that there's always a cousin that has come before you that's a better version of yourself... and Reecie is the better version of me!" -Anna PB

"Hannah's the only 27 year old I know who still suffers from nerf wounds." -Mastin

"I'm up for whatever! However the rooster crows, or however the bridge breaks... or whatever." -Anna PB

"Wouldn't it be funny if somebody's midwife dumped them at the last minute and they were just like, 'I'm having a MIDWIFE CRISIS!'?" -Mastin

"There's an old Chinese proverb that we all should live by, which is to never take a chunk of peach from a pregnant woman." -Sarah

"Hudson! That pie is so good! Get some -- I mean, ate some -- I mean, do some to your stomach!" -Anna PB

"Blank tiles in Scrabble may be all things to all people... as like unto the Apostle Paul!" -Sarah

Shepherd: "I wonder where they got the word 'hummus'."
Sarah: "It probably means something in another language."
Shepherd: "I bet it means, 'crushed chickpeas'." 

"Frank, you have to live up to Mastin and Peter... you know, the brains and the bras! ... Bronze?" -Anna PB

Mastin: "Me and Joseph decided that we might not be each others' Best Man, but we'll attend each others' funerals."
Lucy: "Um... how?"

Shepherd: "My tagline for 2020 is 'foresight by hindsight'."
Truman: "Mine is, 'Eat more pizza'." 

"My pet peeve is people who mislabel dog breeds." -Mastin

"I have the word 'fovea', which I learned in my anatomy class... that's what a college education gets you! Scrabble points!" -Sarah

"I love those sparkly moments when you look back and think, 'Well, we could have been precious memories, but as it happens, we just have precious memories!'" -Emily

"Lucy, you're the Jeeves to my Wooster!" -Anna PB

"If P.G. Wodehouse had a crazy aunt, it would be Shepherd." -Sarah

Mastin: "If I get married, I just want to get married off the hoof."
Sarah: "Um, I think you mean 'off the cuff'." 

Sarah (speaking about a certain relationship): "Yeah well, that ship kinda sailed."
Mastin: "It never really sailed... it floundered on the rocks, and those who escaped it were lucky!"

Lucy: "Sarah has a playlist called 'Labor'... what would YOU listen to while giving birth?"
Anna: "'Comin' in Hot'!"

"So if the goal is to have your face launch a thousand ships, getting someone to cut his hair for you is one step in the right direction." -Hannah

Chris: "Wow, that's a big bag of Bananagrams."
Lucy: "Yeah it's the XL version."
Chris: "That's like plantain-agrams!"

Hudson: "Who is eating the birds' nest?"
Hannah: "That's BACLAVA!"

"Lucy, I don't think you'll die on the way down because that outfit is too stylish. You know how in the movies everyone who dies has an outfit? That is NOT the outfit!" -Anna PB

"I like cleaning! It's like working out, only you see results!" -Hannah

"I had a dream where I accidentally called God 'Hank'... I was like, 'hey Hank, you out there?' and then all our windows shattered and fire started raining from the sky." -Anna Blackburn

"I don't drink Shepherd's milkshakes anymore because he puts baby powder in them." -Truman

Hannah: "I got water poured on me and it was the best thing that's happened to me this year!"
Sarah: "You're only twenty minutes into the new year and that's the best thing that's happened to you?"
Chris: "Actually, I'd say that's pretty good for twenty minutes in." 

"Hudson is the most secure man in the world-- that's why he can wear a sweatshirt on his head!" -Sarah

Sarah: "Lucy and I need haircuts before we start looking like cat ladies..."
Lucy: "HOMESCHOOLED cat ladies!"

Sarah (during the Reformation Day party): "Truman is dressed all in black... what's he supposed to be?"
Mastin: "Probably a ring wraith... or Martin Luther."

"When it comes to morning sickness, better to live in the basement with a cracker than to sit at a feast!" -Sarah